Humor Archives

Way #24

Posted at 9:23 AM

For the second year in-a-row, Drew McLellan has put together another excellent 24 Ways — an advent calendar of helpful web articles written by fine folks from all over the web.

To cap off this year’s set, I’ve contributed Gravity-Defying Page Corners, a simple little trick for adding dimension to a plain ol’ box. It also might the first (and after reading you’ll probably be thinking “hopefully last”) web tutorial written in verse. It’s corny for sure, but fun to write and hopefully read. Many thanks to Drew for wrapping up 48 presents to us all.

Reasons I Like Twitter

Posted at 10:11 PM

• I am a sporadic IM’r. At times, I find it incredibly distracting. Twitter is like the lazy-person’s IM. Post if you want to, listen if you want to. Or not.
• The character limit. For SMS of course — but limitations can often nurture creativity.
• Learning things about your pals that you otherwise would never hear. As mundane as they might be.
• Half conversations: “@dude55: you are so totally right on, and I believe what you just said was the most poignant, important, compelling sentence that has ever been posted to the internets.” I sure wish I had a friend named dude55.
• It’s lucky enough to have an “e”.
• It’s simple, focused and immediate.
• Because blogging requires too much time and thought.
• Yes damnit, I do want to know when you go to bed, or when you’re eating a burrito.

30 Comments

Reasons I Enjoy Flying

Posted at 1:37 PM

1. The roominess of it all.
2. The food.
3. The idle time while standing upright.
4. Duty-free shopping (clue me in here, does anyone actually take advantage of this?)
5. Pre-completed Sudoku puzzles.
6. The elbow room
7. Month-old episodes of 60 Minutes.
8. The comforting feeling of being in complete control.
9. Free airport wi-fi.
10. Adjustable air nozzles.
11. Watching someone attempt to close the overhead bin at least 15 times before giving up and letting the attendant deal with it.
12. Ear-popping fun.
13. Cab rides.
14. Quality reflection time.
15. Fumes.

56 Comments

Words I Can Easily Type With My Left Hand

Posted at 10:22 AM

• qbert
• stewart
• draft
• sward (weapon used by pirates)
• trace
• a
• qwacc (an animal sound)
• great
• freeze
• zedra (a striped, four-legged mammal)
• assert
• we

The Raisin Has Ruined the Oatmeal Cookie

Posted at 11:53 PM

This evening, my wife baked an epic batch of oatmeal cookies. Let me explain why they were so good: there were no raisins in sight. The raisin has plagued the oatmeal cookie like a parasite, stifling its untapped potential as a (if not the) premier baked good of our generation.

Contrary to what you’ve probably heard, a raisin is nothing more than a shriveled grape. And its inclusion here just oozes controversy. Like a concerted front against the oatmeal farmers (?) of the world. “How do we ruin the oatmeal cookie? We’ll add dried, shriveled, rubbery fruit to it. Good. It’s settled then”.

It’s why we don’t see oatmeal cookies more often, and it’s also why the oatmeal cookie isn’t as popular as other, non-fruit-bearing treats. Smart bakers will often utilize the “chocolate chip switch”, swapping chocolate chips for raisins. Brilliant. The recipe adjustment might have done more harm than good however, due to the visual similarity between chocolate chips and raisins when they’re sitting in the finished cookie. I can never be sure whether they’re chocolate chips or raisins, and there’s no way I’m taking the chance. It’s now preferred to substitute peanut butter or butterscotch chips to avoid confusion.

Bottom line is this: leave out the raisins and start enojying a pretty darn good (if under-appreciated) cookie.

149 Comments

Reasons I've Purchased a Gillette Fusion

Posted at 11:02 AM

1. It has 5 blades.
2. It has 5 +1 blades (not 6… 5+1. Never say that it has 6 blades. Ever.).
3. The Fusion has more blades than any other razor, therefore it is superior.
4. It works better than the previous 3-blade version.
5. Because I knew it was inevitable.
6. It gives me an interesting and riveting topic to write about.

86 Comments

Reasons I've Purchased a Ukulele

Posted at 3:21 PM

1. It’s compact, portable, and easy to play while holding a baby.
2. Babies enjoy songs played on the yookalayli.
3. It’s easy to spell.
4. Hawaii.
5. It’s snowing outside.
6. It stays in tune.
7. An electric guitar is heavy, too loud, and potentially dangerous to operate while holding a baby.
8. It’s just like playing the guitar.
9. It’s a fun, new instrument to learn.
10. It supports CSS3.

For those now chomping at the bit to share in the excitement, I’ve found a relatively clear and concise beginner’s guide to the ukulele. Join the revolution.

68 Comments

Film Critic

Posted at 5:00 PM

Here’s something I view as a serious design flaw. It involves food packaging, so buckle up. There’s a standard for containing goopy, spreadable foods and it usually takes the form of a short, round, plastic tub with a re-sealable lid. Hummus, salsa, and feta cheese are a few products that come to mind that share this type of packaging.

57 Comments

The Penny

Posted at 9:11 AM

Earlier today, I purchased a one-gallon jug of spring water from a local convenience store. The total came to $1.29. I handed over $1.30, then silently waited for my single penny to be returned. It never came. Apparently the clerk was unaware of the optional “courtesy thank you” that a customer can say that means “keep the change”. I didn’t give the “courtesy thank you” on this particular visit, and it took me a minute to realize that I wasn’t getting my penny back. And that was OK. I turned and walked out with my jug of water that I had just paid $1.30 for.

126 Comments

1/2 of a Two-Way Conversation

Posted at 10:37 PM

Overheard at the post office today while passing a man in his mid-thirties on a mobile phone:

Hmm… oh, you mean the ‘sugar-in-your-soda’ guy?

Now, I’d love to hypothesize the flip-side of that conversation, but I’m more interested in what you think was on the other end. Maybe sugar-in-your-soda guy is a movie character reference that I missed, or maybe it’s code for something, or maybe it’s you?

30 Comments

Evidence that you visit Starbucks too much

Posted at 3:50 PM

About an hour ago, you were walking down the sidewalk (on the way to Starbucks, of course). From a passing Jeep on the opposite side of the street you hear a shout, “get your mocha!”. You look up and over and recognize the friendly barista that often serves your favorite beverage driving by, smiling and waving. It’s then that you almost decide to turn around. But no — you’re hooked.

75 Comments

Electronic Mail is Not For Everyone

Posted at 5:56 PM

A true story: Sally works as a marketing & promotions director at a reputable book publisher. She deals directly with authors on a daily basis, communicating primarlily via email. This is by far the easiest way to shuttle documented information back and forth. It is also the year 2005, where one might consider “electronic mail” as common as peanut butter, or even Neil Diamond.

64 Comments

Elbow Etiquette

Posted at 7:44 PM

There is an extremely serious design issue that continues to plague the travellers of the world. I estimate that this problem has existed for centuries — or at least since the invention of the armrest.

101 Comments

Apparently, Mouse Pads are Soo 2004

Posted at 12:25 PM

While checking out at the Apple store recently, I had an interesting conversation:

Me

Do you have any mouse pads?

Apple Guy

Uh, what?

Me

Mouse pads. Do you carry them?

Apple Guy

Mouse pads? *chuckles arrogantly* No, we’ve never carried anything like that.

Oh. But I’m from the camp that thinks they’re a necessity — even when using an optical mouse. Having it slide across the desk without any sort of traction just doesn’t cut it. Not to mention the woodgrain on the desk occassionally throws off the tracking.

So I head over to Office Depot — an office supply superstore. They have mouse pads. But all of them have patterns and designs on them. American flags, Grand Canyon panoramas, Faux water droplets, etc. I can forsee these patterns being a problem for optical tracking. So I leave the store empty handed.

I realize I could order a zillion of them online somewhere with no patterns, perfect for optical mice. But I’m merely documenting an observation, that the value of the mouse pad is just overlooked by so many. And I’m shocked that Apple doesn’t try to capitalize on selling the coolest mouse pad ever created. Someone needs to tap this untapped market that’s been poorly tapped thus far.

I remember buying my first Mac (a Classic II) and it came with a free Apple mouse pad. It was a great one, with a slipperly plastic surface. I wish I still had it, but it’s gone. Where to, I can’t say. perhaps it’s now part of something larger.

133 Comments

Where's Durstan?

Posted at 12:06 AM

Soon to be everyone’s favorite game, can you find Durstan (aka Dunstan) in this photo?

Some context would probably be nice. Oh, and the photo I’ve used is courtesy of the NYPL Digital Gallery. Tons of interesting photos in there, and worth your time to browse through.

14 Comments

Trees

Posted at 1:50 PM

Each year, I mean to put together a comprehensive analysis of what it’s like to be in Salem during the month of October. Thousands make a pilgrimage to the city, touring the witch museums, buying fried dough and dressing up like it’s Halloween on the 30 other days of the month. That comprehensive analysis will have to wait till next year, but I did want to point out the best costume I have ever seen in my life.

Halloween night in Salem is relatively insane. The streets are closed down, and crowds of people come out, showing off their finest costumes. We’ve seen some pretty great ones — costumes that require a lot of time and thought. But there was one in particular this year that was hands down, the winner.

The sheer brilliance of this costume is that is requires no planning. Feel free to print out the following materials list for future reference:

• 1 roll of duct tape

We witnessed three guys walking through the crowd, each with 5 foot tall tree branches duct taped around their waist, covering their entire upper body (see figure). There were also slow, spooky (but soft) chants of “Treeeeees… treeeeees”, as they made their way by. As we watched the tops of the branches wade through the sea of people (clearly visable even at a distance), it looked something like an elementary school rendition of a scene from The Lord of the Rings.

So as long as you have a roll of duct tape handy, find a tree with long skinny branches and tape them to yourself. You just may have the best costume ever created. Works best in packs of three or four people.

25 Comments

I Wish to Appear in a Major Motion Picture

Posted at 7:30 PM

I wish to appear in a major motion picture. And I have since I can remember. I’m continually fascinated by movies (or I should say talkies) and it’s been a lifelong goal to be immortally portrayed in a large Hollywood production.

Oh, I can’t act. I’ve never tried — but that’s not the point. I want to be in a movie. I don’t want to be the movie.

I’m estimating that three seconds is the optimal amount of time in which to grace the screen. Anything less than three seconds and no one will recognize me. Anything more than three seconds and I’ll have to actually act. Three seconds is the perfect amount of time to be a “passerby” — or someone sweeping up the sidewalk. Perhaps delivering a pizza behind a foreground of some dramatic scene.

I have to confess that I haven’t done much to achieve my goal. Although I did audition for the film Moonlight Mile three years ago, which was about to film in Marblehead, Massachusetts, where I happened to live at the time. The audition went extremely well (or so I thought). After waiting in a long line, a Polaroid was taken that turned out to be the worst photo ever taken of me. So bad, in fact, that the casting person took a look at it and said Oooooh. I’m putting this one on top. This got me thinking I actually had a chance for at least a three-second role in this film. I never did get a call.

So now, I continue to dream. Perhaps there’ll be more auditions, more horrible Polaroids. And maybe one day, I can have my three seconds of fame. I’m curious, have you ever appeared on film?

69 Comments

The Spoon Trick

Posted at 11:31 PM

I am about to share with you the greatest gift you may ever receive. It was passed down to me by my wife’s friend’s husband — Patrick. It is called “The Spoon Trick”, and it may save your life.

The trick is best revealed at a dinner gathering or reception. Any time you’re seated at a round table with people you only half know. There are usually awkward pauses in conversation at such events — but The Spoon Trick will break ice as thick as Alaska.

The key here is delivery. Casually pick up a spoon that’s in front of you at the table. If there aren’t any spoons, then you’ll have to request one. I find ordering soup or pudding for dessert makes the request less out-of-the-ordinary. The bigger the spoon, the better and if you’re lucky enough to find a soup spoon with a large, rounded head — you are golden.

With one hand, hold the spoon with the handle standing upright and the back of the spoon facing you. Carefully align your middle finger and ring finger knuckles against the back of the spoon. Next, wiggle your pinky and first finger in an up and down motion. Do this a few times — only to yourself as a warmup, making sure your alignment is correct. Click on the thumbnail to view a QuickTime (4.5MB) movie which demonstates the correct actions.

Quietly lean over to your neighbor and say “hey.. check it out.” Then proceed to show them the “wiggle”, turning the back of the spoon toward them, while keeping your knuckles aligned so that they can see the reflection.

The next line is “what does it look like”. They will look extremely puzzled and shocked at this point. Do not stop. The important thing to remember here is that they’ll be laughing in a few seconds.

Your reply is “it’s a guy in the shower as viewed from behind and he is washing his feet.”

Laughter ensues… the rest of the table gets curious. The trick spreads. Everyone has something to talk about for the rest of the dinner. The night belongs to you.

Pass it on. You’re welcome.

17 Comments